I am what I am regardless of my feelings on God, Allah or any other higher power that I choose and this also applies to everyone else in my life. In the past week I have been kicked out of an AD&D group for what I still suspect is my accepting Islam in my life but the email I got a week later states it was just me being me that was the problem. The thing is I forewarned the person running the group way ahead of time how I am and how my acute mental illness and diabetes affects everything in my life. I have never been one to let someone walk into my life totally blind to my medical issues yet when I acted the way I said I would it was a total shock telling me that again nobody new fucking listens to me when I talk. I do not tell people what to expect other then to not have to deal with the rejection later yet it seems to happen more often then not and it really is starting to get annoying to me. I still think the cunt was trying to save face but that is my opinion of the situation.
Now this is the second time this occurred this week with someone at the mosque that again refused to listen to me when I told him what is going on. I do not for one like pushy people and he got really pushy with me so I expressed not only my displeasure with it (telling it that shit pisses me off) but I again told him I need to re-stabilize on my psych meds before I can even challenge going to prayer and I have received silence since then. I am going to send him a text later today telling him that I am so sorry but I never wanted to be the model Muslim nor do I appreciate his silence all week over me being totally honest so thanks but you are cut off. I do not need conditional relationships in my life now or ever, I am willing to accept people as they are but they have to do the same for me. I really do not need anymore friends anyway and those guys I played AD&D with were not friends just people I gamed with but again they chose to remove me so let em all fuck off for all I care.
This goes even further down the rabbit hole with someone that I was once close to claiming I am needy and that is so far from the truth it is obvious she is just a moron. I asked all of my close friends which I have quite a few and no one said I was nor would any of them lie to me for any reason whatsoever. I even had to cut my therapist off for being a deaf cunt, yeah what a week I had huh? It all started when I got really sick with some sort of a virus after I accepted Islam and I probably got it because I have very little close contact with other people even though I ride mass transit I do not get close to others all that often. After I accepted I was hugged by around two-hundred people and I guess one of them was sick and should not have been there in the first place; but shit happens.
I am for the most part not a very social critter when I leave my condo preferring to just be left alone and leave others alone but since I accepted Islam I have been more friendly to strangers which for me is a huge change. Usually what I do is snarl at people that want to talk to me and keep walking now I choose to at least say As-Salamu Alaykum which translates to “Peace be upon you” give or take. Am I a perfect Muslim? No I am not nor will I ever be, will I ever be what that person at the mosque wants me to be? No I will be me now and forever and if that isn’t good enough well tough shit that’s life get over it. Last night was a bad night for my sugars having a bad spike then a worse bottom but this is the life I have to live and I live it to the best of my ability. I know who my true friends are in life so really it matters very little what others think of me or of my life. I have been blessed with some very wonderful people like Traci, Jason, Layla, Wendel, Shin, and so many others in no real order at all that in the end it makes no difference if anyone new likes me, wants me around or cares if I am alive or dead. I was just trying to branch out and meet new people but as it always ends it doesn’t work. The bottom line is we all are who we are and either accept at face value or don’t accept at all is how I view this so to all the people that pumped me up just to let me down eat a dick and remember that I didn’t need you in my life to begin with so no great loss…..
So here we sit at the cusp of the tenth anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and all the media hoopla is starting to annoy me. Yes it is true that 120 months ago I was as devastated as the rest of the nation when those planes hit but in that time I think America has grown and become more united then ever before. I see the world very differently then I did when I was thirty as I am sure most of us do but why must we focus on the bad here? There is so much to celebrate and cherish since those grim days in September of 2001. First off we have a president that isn’t white, we have many hero’s in the armed forces keeping us safe, we are still here! America is a strong nation of peoples that have one common goal: freedom and that freedom shall ring no matter whom tries to stifle it. Yes I am a Muslim now and it is a choice I have made to grow closer to Allah but even before I made this choice I knew that the Muslims I knew had nothing to do with the events of 11 September 2001. For anyone to think that American Muslims today are even remotely responsible for this is utterly insane.
In my readings thus far of the Qur’an I have discovered that the use of Islam for terrorist actions is not only against what this holy book says but it is also nothing but pure bullshit propaganda. My mother didn’t want me to become a zealot and I feel that the only people that do are weak minded to begin with. I am first and foremost an American and I love my country so therefore, I would never do anything that would bring my homeland to harm. The fact that I am now part of Islam has no bearing on my love of country nor will it ever for that matter. Yes I believe in God, Country then self but if God told me to destroy country I would have to rebuke and ignore that command.
So where am I a decade later? I am at peace with myself and I have long forgiven those that attacked us for really I do not think they really knew what they were doing. If we look back a little ways at the Nazi’s most of them were lied to and manipulated into believing something that just was not real and maybe the same can be said for those that were involved in the attacks. I am not stating this as a fact but rather a possibility that in all honesty no one will ever know. I am not making excuses either just looking at the realm of possibilities that could have occurred having one very controlling individual at the head of the attacks (the now dead Bin Laden).
The whole point of the attacks were to destroy the American way of life and that was one epic fail boat all they really did was make travel a bit more complicated for us. Our country was bankrupt long before these wars that we are involved in; the wars just accelerated this state of bankruptcy is all. Is there hope that we can pull out of this muck we seem to be trapped in? Of course there is but the key is to bring manufacturing jobs back home and the only way to do that is to tax the living shit out of things made in other countries but we all know this won’t ever happen. Tonight Obama is going to talk about job creation and I wonder what his plan will be, or if it is even possible but I digress.
I feel in my heart that America is stronger today then it was ten years ago, more resilient and more united then ever before. I am a very proud voting American that will stand by his mother land until the day I die and with the love of Allah I am sure that I will be guided in how to help my country stay free and caring of others as they struggle to get or remain free. Is America still the beacon of hope? I would have to say yes it is being so many still wish to move here and become American. Can we still burn that light in the darkness? Yes we can but part of what we need to do is leave the Middle East and start to take care of our own internal problems. My late father once stated that we need to clean our own backyard before we can clean our neighbors and if our government was able to see this maybe we would not be in the quagmire that we are in today.
Today I am embarking on a new phase of my life by adopting Islam into my life. This is a decision that took me over two years to make but today I am going to make it. I first became attracted to Islam when I watched Oz on HBO in Kareem Said and how he dealt with being an Imam to the prisoners there. I slowly became fascinated by how they prayed and practiced Islamic faith. Then as luck would have it Mosaab moved in next door as a full blown Muslim believer. He has some friends that I also met and what I saw in them was peace and serenity that I have never been able to parallel.
A few years ago I went to a Mosque up the street from me and again I was compelled to learn more about this seemingly peaceful yet wonderful faith. I was dating someone at the time and she pulled me away from the Mosque but I never forgot how calm I was when I was in there. So here I sit today after a series of events and talks I just looked up and said OK help me Allah which translates to “The God” and I got my answer about three hours later from Mosaab in chapter 112 of the Qur’an. The basic gist of it says that there is only one God period end of report and this matches what I have felt and known for the past 27-years of my life since confirming Methodist.
My goal here is to have a better relationship with Allah and to be of better service to my friends and family. I am painfully aware that I need to be more God-centered and less self-centered and I am hoping that by adopting Islam I will be able to achieve that over time. Now I am aware that Muslims get a bad rap these days but that seems to be not something I need to concern myself with here in America because I have yet to meet a bad Muslim. Will I take this to the extreme? No I will not but I will pray more often and read the Qur’an as many times as it takes to understand it over the rest of my lifetime. The best part is for the first time in years I feel as if I have some hope in my life and that is a great sign that I am taking the correct path for me. I am going to write a full essay on this part of my life that I hope can be published in a Lit Journal but this is just a blog so there is no need to go into great detail for this is just an overview of the situation. I need to get some reading and other things done now so I shall end this with a simple but easy saying; “praise Allah.”