I am what I am regardless of my feelings on God, Allah or any other higher power that I choose and this also applies to everyone else in my life. In the past week I have been kicked out of an AD&D group for what I still suspect is my accepting Islam in my life but the email I got a week later states it was just me being me that was the problem. The thing is I forewarned the person running the group way ahead of time how I am and how my acute mental illness and diabetes affects everything in my life. I have never been one to let someone walk into my life totally blind to my medical issues yet when I acted the way I said I would it was a total shock telling me that again nobody new fucking listens to me when I talk. I do not tell people what to expect other then to not have to deal with the rejection later yet it seems to happen more often then not and it really is starting to get annoying to me. I still think the cunt was trying to save face but that is my opinion of the situation.
Now this is the second time this occurred this week with someone at the mosque that again refused to listen to me when I told him what is going on. I do not for one like pushy people and he got really pushy with me so I expressed not only my displeasure with it (telling it that shit pisses me off) but I again told him I need to re-stabilize on my psych meds before I can even challenge going to prayer and I have received silence since then. I am going to send him a text later today telling him that I am so sorry but I never wanted to be the model Muslim nor do I appreciate his silence all week over me being totally honest so thanks but you are cut off. I do not need conditional relationships in my life now or ever, I am willing to accept people as they are but they have to do the same for me. I really do not need anymore friends anyway and those guys I played AD&D with were not friends just people I gamed with but again they chose to remove me so let em all fuck off for all I care.
This goes even further down the rabbit hole with someone that I was once close to claiming I am needy and that is so far from the truth it is obvious she is just a moron. I asked all of my close friends which I have quite a few and no one said I was nor would any of them lie to me for any reason whatsoever. I even had to cut my therapist off for being a deaf cunt, yeah what a week I had huh? It all started when I got really sick with some sort of a virus after I accepted Islam and I probably got it because I have very little close contact with other people even though I ride mass transit I do not get close to others all that often. After I accepted I was hugged by around two-hundred people and I guess one of them was sick and should not have been there in the first place; but shit happens.
I am for the most part not a very social critter when I leave my condo preferring to just be left alone and leave others alone but since I accepted Islam I have been more friendly to strangers which for me is a huge change. Usually what I do is snarl at people that want to talk to me and keep walking now I choose to at least say As-Salamu Alaykum which translates to “Peace be upon you” give or take. Am I a perfect Muslim? No I am not nor will I ever be, will I ever be what that person at the mosque wants me to be? No I will be me now and forever and if that isn’t good enough well tough shit that’s life get over it. Last night was a bad night for my sugars having a bad spike then a worse bottom but this is the life I have to live and I live it to the best of my ability. I know who my true friends are in life so really it matters very little what others think of me or of my life. I have been blessed with some very wonderful people like Traci, Jason, Layla, Wendel, Shin, and so many others in no real order at all that in the end it makes no difference if anyone new likes me, wants me around or cares if I am alive or dead. I was just trying to branch out and meet new people but as it always ends it doesn’t work. The bottom line is we all are who we are and either accept at face value or don’t accept at all is how I view this so to all the people that pumped me up just to let me down eat a dick and remember that I didn’t need you in my life to begin with so no great loss…..