The Joys Of Mental Illness

Now comes a strange saga of a stupid cunt that was for but three sessions my therapist and how she put me into crisis mode not once but twice. The first instance came in our last session when she made me feel like there was something dramatically wrong with me because I see the world in black and white with no way at all to see gray. Now let me explain this a little more as to how I am the way I am and why.

I grew up in an extremely shrink wrapped world of small town America on the East Coast in a very new and often horrible special education system. I was placed there because at the age of five I was declared “Emotionally Disturbed” by the Child Study Team. Now the reality of the situation is my mother got duped into believing that I was crazy but in all honesty I got crazy from being treated like I was crazy. This suggests that some of my current mental illness issues may have also been caused by the poor treatment that I had received as a child in a system that I did not belong in. I can state this because my IQ is in all actuality a 148 yet I spent my entire childhood into my early adult years being treated like a total idiot. This of course caused damage and when I finally found out my IQ around age twenty or so I was very angry and devastated at the same time. I felt like my whole life was a lie and that an education was stolen from me by one bad decision my mother made. I have since let all of this rage go for what happened happened and I cannot change this fact but it also has made me very anti-social and there is a possibility that I have Borderline Personality Disorder from all of this. I also forgave my mother for this critical mistake years ago; really she did what she thought was best for me but in the end it was like chopping off my hands and telling me to learn to draw.

Now I first was told I have rapid-cycle bi-polar disorder when I was around age twenty-two or so and that wasn’t good news but it did answer a lot of my underlying questions as to why I was the way I was. I was placed on Lithium and that was that but this was just one of a long stream of bad meds I took over the next eighteen years; there was no real hope until I was placed on Saphris about six months ago. This was the first med that actually worked and it was a very welcome relief at this point. I will get to that later but first I need to explain what the worst part of having a mental illness is. Most of the professionals that I have spoken to until Carolyn never listened to me thinking they knew what it was like to have this illness from what they read in a book. This is a very difficult place to be when one is looking for help from the madness and insanity of manic depression. After a number of years I just learned to understand that people in the mental health field are simply walking walls. Unless one has actually experienced this one cannot imagine what it’s like to never be heard regardless of whom I was talking to. This all changed with Carolyn though.

I met Carolyn in 2003 when I first went to –MH after finding out I lived in the proper county to be a patient there. Something that has never occurred in my life happened that day: She actually listened to me. I was in a state of absolute shock and dismay at the same time and I even told her this and why. Over the next seven and a half years I would go see her as scheduled only missing one appointment in all that time due to a being let down after hitting crisis mode for the first time ever after seven years going there. I guess over that time I got spoiled but then at a little over seven years she suggested I go to therapy after I told her about the fictional character Lisbeth Salander having the same diagnosis as myself in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larrson. She was also labeled Emotionally Disturbed (this was actually the first time I saw these two words together since I read my school records over two decades ago) and after reading that book I was easily able to see a lot of my own character traits in her. This wasn’t a rude awakening it was actually a comfort to know that I am not the only person (although she was fictional she had to be based on a real person Larrson knew of because it was too dead on to be just a work of pure fiction) that is the way I am.

Well I told Carolyn about Lisbeth and she and I agreed that maybe I need therapy to look at these problems I have and it was at its core merely a suggestion and nothing more; but when Carolyn says jump I ask how high and off what bridge I trusted her that much. I began voluntary therapy with a guy named Bruce and it was going great because I wanted to be there and he and I saw eye to eye being we are both assholes at the core. The sessions were very productive and went on for a few months before he abruptly left the organization. Carolyn was very pleased with my progress as was I but it ended so quickly and with no notice that I felt very crestfallen and despondent for a while. No I felt let down. Enter the stupid cunt.

I was then sent to a female therapist and other then the fact that she was rather attractive she was a complete and total idiot. By this time Carolyn moved on to a new job so I was without my savior and doctor after over seven plus years. The first session was her asking me over and over why I was in therapy and my answer never changed no matter how many ways or times she asked me: because Carolyn suggested I come to therapy. She seemed to not hear me every time I said it so I was back to where I spent most of my life in mental health; being ignored. The second session was much of the same then came session three where she put me in crisis for the first time.

We were again talking about why I am in therapy and the topic was getting old and irritating so I tried to change it with some success. No wait first she asked me about becoming a Muslim and my response was you are not my spiritual adviser so really that is none of your business; this of course pissed her off but she was stonewalled on the subject so we moved on. I am not sure how it came up but we got to my black and white thinking and she told me over and over that the world is gray and I do not and cannot see grays only black and white. She then proceeded to make me feel like I was a total freak and that there was something wrong with me because I see things as either on or off and no other way. I got up and left her office and told her on the way out that maybe if you saw the world in black and white your life would be a whole lot easier.

That night I really started to feel bad and suicide crept into the small pockets of my mind where resistance was low. I was in a panic but I held on and the next day I asked all the people in my life about my way of thinking and it seems that they all agree it is one of my more charming traits. As one friend said they like that I am either all in or all out and they never have to wonder about it. Well I felt better and a few weeks later the cunt called back. I had her call me a few days ago and she proceeded to tell me a straight up lie in order to regain control of me which she will never get. As we talked she told me that if I do not go to therapy I cannot get my medications. I hung up with her on a nice “fuck you” after explaining to her that if I am not there on my own free will I will get nothing out of sessions anyway but she refused to listen to me as per most people I know. I went into crisis mode again for a few hours until one of the supervisors called me to tell me that there is no requirement for me to go to therapy at all if I do not want to thus proving that the cunt lied to me.

Now I have been going to this organization for over eight years now and that was the first time I was ever told that I had to have a therapist to get meds but the cunt made it sound like it has always been that way there which I knew had to be a bold faced lie and it was. I told the person that called me that the cunt is dead to me and if she see’s me in the hallway tell her to totally ignore me or I will lash out and it won’t be nice when I do. Believe you me I would love to rip her to shreds and make her feel as small as she made me feel but I need this place for my psych meds so I can’t no matter how badly I wish to.

So this is how this dumb numb cunt put me in crisis twice and I sure hope she gets fired over it because she made my life a living hell twice over her ego and bullshit. I do not know what happened to her nor will I ever be told but I can only hope that I am not the only patient she has done this to so they see a pattern and remove her from their facility although I hope none of the other patients fell into harms way in the process. So yeah I guess the lesson learned here is that things are back to the way they used to be I am just going to be ignored again for most people in the psych industry are merely walls with degrees.


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