Monthly Archives: January 2012

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Out of Focus….

Ya know I never liked phones much and I still to this day hate talking on them even though they are all fancy with wireless headsets. I can play games on my phone while I talk to someone, send a text message, email whatever and I still hate to use it for its main purpose as a phone. I grew so used to talking on Skype all the time while always doing something else and now I am more or less paralyzed into just the phone call or I will get too distracted to talk. I am a rather old person but I am not from the era of the party line where a bunch of people all use the same phone line to talk to people. I guess that is what Skype is now just a glorified party line. But usually when I was on Skype I was playing a game of I was in a chat now its that and nothing else to the boredom has set in. I think that is the real problem here with all my stuff missing: I have no way to multi-task anymore.

 

This is just how my brain is wired I am afraid and focus other then reading with Jazz on is the only time I can focus but I have to or I will miss what I am reading all together. I have always struggled with focus issues but I do not believe that ADHD is a real disease of the mind it is more just how some of us are programmed. I took Ritalin a few years ago and it did nothing for me but that was just low grade speed anyway so yeah whatever.

 

When I was in my 20’s I wrote a lot of poetry being it was fast, simple and a good way to hand write what I was feeling (it has all since been borrowed and never returned by a now forever ex-friend). I will have to start that from square one as well but it also allowed me to write and not have to focus so much on focus if you catch my drift. I think one of the best parts is if any of that poetry gets published I will know that the person who got it published is a fraud just like she was in real life and that is all that really matters to me now. I realize that I am on an eclipse of a new era in my life but I am just not sure how to go about living in this new unfamiliar world that I have been cast into either by fate, God or both. I am not whining here I am just very perplexed as to how to do this.

 

I guess if life didn’t change on a dime it would be rather vapid in nature. I am still struggling with that all much too needed focus but that is due to a lack of any real stimuli then anything I think. I will never again own a modern anything past my Nook, phone and HD radio so I need to get my mind to accept this new world I live in so I can adjust to it. I realize that I am making this sound like something tragic which it is not but this is still a lot of change very quickly and I need to gasp focus on what is going on around me or I am doomed to repeat the same mistake I just made that caused this mess to begin with.

 

I am sure in time I will learn to get myself in an artistic mood again and I will write more eventually but for now the safest bet is to just read and exist. I don’t mind this so much most of the time and the HD radio is really helping me not feel so alone here all the time but as for now my life is very out of focus….

How I Am Right Now 14 Jan 2011

Well the insurance refused to pay the theft claim because we had home owners and not renters insurance so I in the end get nothing that was stolen returned ever. I am annoyed by this but in the end it was so expected that I can’t say I was let down at all. My mother insisted that she got renters insurance but the policy says we did not so there is nothing that we can do about this but sigh.

 

I bought a small portable HD radio yesterday that I really could not afford but I needed something other then the old Grunding to listen to so in the end this will help keep me a little more sane around here. I am planning a trip to see one of the locals that I am going to possibly move to but I cannot mention where because the person that caused this whole mess can possibly still read this blog. I have been there a few times though and I am exciting to go back and see if I can forge my new future there as well. I am going to take a good old fashioned bus there being I feel that I need a good long road trip to clear my head of all this nightmare that I am in now. I am going to sit back, read some Rollins that I have on my Nook and watch the mile peal away like I did back in the mid 90’s in my 20’s. On the Rollins tip I am hoping that more of his books become available on the Nook so I can have them again since they were also stolen.

 

As for the HD radio other then not having good headphones because they were also stolen it is really nice. I have no iPod that vanished ages ago (think that was also stolen a while ago but again I have no proof) it is really nice. The signal is crystal clear and it is as good as if not better then a CD to me. The only real complaint I have is there is no bass or treble control on the radio so I can’t pump the bass and kill the treble at all. I am sure that better quality headphones will solve this problem on it’s own. I hope the thief is enjoying my things and knows that because you stole my Qur’an God will make sure that your life is full of nothing but misery from the day you took it until the day you die. You never steal someones personal Holy Book that my friends is an unforgivable sin that has no repentance for.

 

Speaking of Islam I have been praying a lot more and I have a new Qur’an that actually explains the passages so I am hoping that it helps me understand it better. I never really had a good time understanding Holy Books in general so maybe this explanation of the text will help me achieve that. My mother tells me that I need to control my anger and she is right but I am still human and I have no issues being human I just hope that Allah understands why I am right now. The last 17 days have been the worst days of my life and there is no real end in sight until I am out of Denver forever but the road trip will really help me a whole lot. I have decided that in February I am going to get everything ready for this place to be sold to the best of my ability and go from there. There is a lot of things that I just need to throw out that just do not need to go with me when I move and I know this. I have been a pack rat over the years and I need to stop being this way for whatever I get where I move will be way smaller then this so time to condense my shit down to what I need and nothing else. I kinda wish I had speakers for this though it would make that chore a whole lot easier but it’s OK I will get by as always. I do not rally have much more to say so I guess it’s back to reading for now.

The Real Problem Here….

One of the inherent problems with being a word-smith is that I need to write a lot just to keep track of what actually happened in my life. I know that this may seem absurd at its surface but in the end it’s the truth. I have read so many books, essays, short stories, journals, poems, news articles that I cannot even begin to count in my lifetime that sometimes my actually memory blurs with what I have read and then it contorts even further with what I have written fiction wise so it just becomes this jumbled up mess of ideas and thoughts that are not connected to anything real anymore. What I lost that insurance cannot replace is other then hand written journals is over twenty years of digital writing and every poem I ever hand wrote in my life.

 

I had written things that were just for me or private to remind me of my past, to help me not forget those I had lost touch with and to help me define the truth from the fiction that seems to infest my mind all the time. I lost most of my past is what was really stolen that no insurance can replace. I am so aware that this seems impossible but it is the truth of the matter. All those scraps I wrote were about actual events so I didn’t forget them or get them mashed into some other bizarre thought process that is also fueled by my acute mental illness.

 

I have never really talked to anyone about this problem being as long as I wrote things out it really wasn’t a problem at all but now that all that writing is gone it is right up in my face. I am not really sure how to even tackle this problem or if I just need to let it go and hope for the best. Some people have said that maybe losing everything was the best thing that could have happened and yes on one level it may be but on this level it is not. I guess the first thing I need to do is go through all my hand written journals and try to organize them by date as best I can. I have this nasty habit though, I write in one for a while then move to a different one so this is not going to be all that easy to accomplish.

 

How does one piece together the truth about ones past when most of it was short snippets and blogs that have been removed? I guess I will just have to accept that I may never really know the truth again. The reason I did this was so I never confused things and now that is all I have one big chaotic mess. Maybe I need to just let go of the past but that is how I gauge things in my present and I always have been that way to stay out of traps although this time I failed to do so. I do know that I rarely if ever wrote about the person that I feel did this to me and maybe because I never felt she was worth my time to write about at all I guess. I have been around people like that all the time that just were not all that interesting to me but we were friends nonetheless. I guess from now on I will just surround myself with people that keep my interest and let those that don’t fall by the weigh side. Maybe that is another lesson I needed to learn in this whole episode of my life.

The Med Shuffle Part I

Sometimes being mentally ill just sucks because of the people one has to deal with for the proper medications. I was put on a 72-Hour hold for cracking a joke in poor taste for the place I was in but a joke nonetheless. The real problem wasn’t the Hold or the help it was the inability to monitor my own diabetes that was the real issue at hand. I was rendered unable to check my sugar or shoot any insulin for over 18 hours and that scared me to death. I was in such a full blown panic attack they actually called the police on me. This police officer then called my Insulin my security blanket wow that pissed me off. I then told him that he was a moron and that it is life or death for a diabetic not a security blanket like lip balm; this shut him up fast. I guess the fact is these people were under the impression that I was no longer able to take care of myself and that I was going to attempt suicide via insulin which is one painful way to go.

 

Mental Illness is silly to begin with being they are always looking for the better way to sedate me anyway. I have over the years realized that mood stabilizers are really just low dose tranquilizers under a new name anyway. I have been diagnosed for over half my life so really I know the score now. I know that un-medicated I am a bit nanners so I guess I have to take the help that I get in whatever form it is in. I guess being sick in the brain means one has to trade off unbridled freedom for some form of control to be able to function in society.

 

Thw ward its self wasn’t so bad and the food wasn’t horrible either. Other then the insulin issue the people were nice and very helpful to me. I spent most of the time with this girl Annie that was there due to a two week coma induced by an attempted suicide of hanging. I felt horrible when she told me but at the same time I saw this bright beautiful woman in her. I taught her how to play 5-card Gin and that is all we did for the next three days we were there. We talked about all sorts of things and I was always so happy to just be able to talk and look at her heavenly face. Annie was a real sweet thing that I just could not understand why she wanted to off herself and after three days I was just as perplexed as day one.

 

There were some other characters there as well but none really struck me like Annie did. There was this one guy Ronald that was so far gone that I am not sure the last time he saw reality. He was screaming this is “False Imprisonment and I am leaving right now watch me” all the time. He was also a doctor and a whole lot of other things. At first it was funny then it got irritating. Annie and I would just hope he would shut up and stop singing all the fucking time by day two. There was also another girl that hung herself but she was really all over the map mood-wise and was isolated the day I left. There were others there like Hank that had the IQ of about 60 that I didn’t ever seem to mind in his randomness and talking about loving the Muppets but theres seemed to not care of it.

 

I realize that 72 Hours does not seem that long but after one totally loses their freedom and their belt things start to matter fast. I was allowed to have my Nook and they even charged it for me at night so when I was not playing Gin I was reading; read two books and the New York Times all three days I was there. The real problem is one wakes up at 0600 and stays awake until 2200 and there is nothing to do but kill time all day. Boredom sets in real fast in a psych ward let me tell you. I really think Annie kept me sane for that whole time that just dragged on and on as if never going to end. I will write more later on this adventure so ends part one.