Out of Focus….

Ya know I never liked phones much and I still to this day hate talking on them even though they are all fancy with wireless headsets. I can play games on my phone while I talk to someone, send a text message, email whatever and I still hate to use it for its main purpose as a phone. I grew so used to talking on Skype all the time while always doing something else and now I am more or less paralyzed into just the phone call or I will get too distracted to talk. I am a rather old person but I am not from the era of the party line where a bunch of people all use the same phone line to talk to people. I guess that is what Skype is now just a glorified party line. But usually when I was on Skype I was playing a game of I was in a chat now its that and nothing else to the boredom has set in. I think that is the real problem here with all my stuff missing: I have no way to multi-task anymore.


This is just how my brain is wired I am afraid and focus other then reading with Jazz on is the only time I can focus but I have to or I will miss what I am reading all together. I have always struggled with focus issues but I do not believe that ADHD is a real disease of the mind it is more just how some of us are programmed. I took Ritalin a few years ago and it did nothing for me but that was just low grade speed anyway so yeah whatever.


When I was in my 20’s I wrote a lot of poetry being it was fast, simple and a good way to hand write what I was feeling (it has all since been borrowed and never returned by a now forever ex-friend). I will have to start that from square one as well but it also allowed me to write and not have to focus so much on focus if you catch my drift. I think one of the best parts is if any of that poetry gets published I will know that the person who got it published is a fraud just like she was in real life and that is all that really matters to me now. I realize that I am on an eclipse of a new era in my life but I am just not sure how to go about living in this new unfamiliar world that I have been cast into either by fate, God or both. I am not whining here I am just very perplexed as to how to do this.


I guess if life didn’t change on a dime it would be rather vapid in nature. I am still struggling with that all much too needed focus but that is due to a lack of any real stimuli then anything I think. I will never again own a modern anything past my Nook, phone and HD radio so I need to get my mind to accept this new world I live in so I can adjust to it. I realize that I am making this sound like something tragic which it is not but this is still a lot of change very quickly and I need to gasp focus on what is going on around me or I am doomed to repeat the same mistake I just made that caused this mess to begin with.


I am sure in time I will learn to get myself in an artistic mood again and I will write more eventually but for now the safest bet is to just read and exist. I don’t mind this so much most of the time and the HD radio is really helping me not feel so alone here all the time but as for now my life is very out of focus….


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