Monthly Archives: February 2012

Rejected Story: SPED

     There are a few things you need to know before we start. I looked at my NA sponsor and said that I am not gay but my boyfriend is. He looked at me and said John can’t you take anything seriously with a bit of a chuckle. We were sitting in the Tattered Cover bookstore on Colfax and we were going to go over a part of my fourth step that I had just completed (We made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves). On todays agenda we were to talk about my time in special education and how it was still affecting me over twenty years later. I was not at all thrilled about this being I did such a good job at erasing all of those painful memories with dope or so I thought anyway. He then asked me to just start where I can remember from so I did.

 

    I looked at him with a little desperation in my eyes and said it all started when the Special Education Act was passed in 1976 and my mother was duped into believing that this is what I needed to succeed in school. Josh my burly old sponsor looked at me and said lets not try to place blame here; I objected and said it was all their fault I was an innocent little kid that was bored all the time in school. He raised his voice this time to a low yell and told me stop placing blame you played a part in this and now we need to find out where. I just sighed and said fine!

    I had been working with Josh for the better part of fifteen years now and he knew all my excuses, outs and the other things I did not to accept responsibility for my actions but I was five when I was placed in special education or as I call it SPED so how was I to be blamed for this? I guess I was going to find out as we went through all this shit once and for all.

    I then started to recall how kindergarten was boring but nice but half way through the year I was placed in a class with six other students and life went from boring to painful. I was always a heavy set child or in other words I was fat so I got abuse from my classmates over that but now I was also a retard in the retard classes. I am sure this isn’t what they were but this is exactly how I felt is what I told Josh who just nodded and told me to continue. Over the next few years I would get bullied and taunted all the time while I sat in classes that to me at least were totally void of challenge and seemed rather vapid in nature.

    Things did not get really bad until high school always having to compete with an older brother that was in all the college prep classes. I was the stupid one in the family as I felt treated as I grew up. Josh asked me what my teachers would say on my report cards and I told him disruptive in class yet all I did was read a book and ignore them. I guess this was disruptive because I could have cared less what they were talking about yet I always got Cee’s in class and never did homework. I guess even though I was reading I was able to listen at the same time but this was after I got what is called “Main-streamed” into normal classes. What this meant for me was I took some regular classes the rest where in the resource room or as everyone called it the retard room.

    I know that I resented that name and after I said that to Josh he asked me why I did. I looked at him with a bit of disdain in my heart and said because I never felt like I was fucking stupid why do you think? He looked at me and chuckled yeah that was always one of your hot buttons to be treated like you are stupid but maybe your not as smart as you think you are. I felt pure loathing for him at this point but I said yeah maybe having a 148 IQ means I am a total dumb ass what do I know. Josh then told me to chill the fuck out this is not an inquirery it is a fourth step. I just smirked and said OK I will try to it’s just that this shit makes my piss boil. Josh said and that is why we need to do this now please continue the story.

    I remember so well what it was like to live in Jacks shadow my whole childhood and it still irritates me today because I still am in a way. I guess I have no reason to feel this way being we are both adults living out separate lives but at times I feel like I am nothing but one big failure in life due to his raging success. Josh looked at me with this wicked temper he has at times and told me to stop comparing my insides to others outside’s already. I said yeah I know but sometimes its just really hard to do that. He barked at me to try harder I said OK fine leave me alone about it already jeeze.

I then told him about my yearbook that I wound up burning a number of years after i graduated and how most people were just glad that the would not have to deal with me anymore for the most part. I told Josh that I really wanted to have something to savor from all those years in what I called a torture chamber but in the end there was not one good memory so I destroyed the yearbook once and for all when I was twenty after reading all my school records. This is when I found out I had an above genius IQ and my anger just boiled over to the point of unbridled rage. Josh asked me what I was so full of ire and I told him because my whole life I was treated like a retard and the fact was I am the exact opposite of that.

 After I said this everything just seemed to click in my mind as if these huge cogs that refused to mesh finally slammed into place with a bone rattling crunch. I looked up at Josh after staring at my lap for what seemed like a lifetime and said I guess I understand this now. I always knew I was smart but I was always treated like I was stupid so I lived in this perpetual state of rage that really had nothing to do with me. The question is how do I stop letting this shit affect me so much?

Josh cleared his throat and said you just do is how. I looked at him with a very puzzled expression but then I understood. The trick was the only persons opinion of me that matters is my own so therefore no one else’s really matters. I told this to Josh and he smiled and said now you got it and now I am going to go catch ya on the flop and with that he left me to my thoughts. I got up got some espresso and walked around my favorite bookstore with a new lease on life. For the first time in my life no one else’s judgment of me mattered; I was finally my own man, I was finally free from the chains that kept me bound my whole life, I was finally liberated…

Perplexed

 We all have character flaws that we must all overcome in order to survive in this world and not be alone but I feel that some of mine are just too hard to ignore. There is this woman that lives here in my complex that I really like that talks to me on text but I know that due to my inability to not be blunt I have no chance with. I have dated before and that one flaw is why all my relationships have come to a crashing end and I know this.

 

 I have tried the cyber-dating and I even stated in my profile that I am a very blunt person yet when I was blunt I was looked at like I was some sort of an asshole or something. This is something that always perplexed me about people: I tell them what to expect with me and when I am that way they are in total shock that I am acting the way I am. I hate surprises so I try my best not to have any with someone else yet even after I warn people about some of my defects they seemed totally dismayed when they see it.

 

I have been the way I am for a great many years now and I know that there is little to no hope of my changing anytime soon if at all. I am forty-years-old now and I am very set in my ways but I also know that any relationship means I need to compromise but does this always mean I have to compromise who I am in the process to not be alone? I spent my entire childhood being something I wasn’t so I didn’t have to be alone and now at this age I am who I am and that is that but it also means that I am alone.

 

In life there are always trade-offs but this is one that I am very unwilling to make so I guess my lot in life is to be alone with a few cats. The last long term relationship I had ended in total and utter disaster but the main problem was she never let me read always having to yammer on and on about bullshit all day long. Another irksome thing was we always had to do things together like draw or what have you; it was like I had no ability to just be my own person with her and that just won’t ever work for me. I need to be free and I gave her that same freedom that she never seemed to want; again I just don’t get it.

 

Maybe it is wholly possible that I am just incapable of having a relationship with someone because I am so set in my ways. I have spent the majority of my life totally alone so it is what I know and do best these days. I don’t really know anymore I am just friendless in Denver and that someday needs to change I just don’t know how to change it…..

R We What We R?

So Denver is finally getting that blast of snow that has seemed to have taken all winter to hit and again it looks more like Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back then America but that is life here in Colorado. Well that was a nice little diversion now on to the actual blog at hand.

 

As I stated before the person that robbed me took all my writing and all my reference books as well yet I still managed to write a short story and submit it to The First Line so I guess in the end I did not need all those old words and books to procure a decent story for publication. I only had when it came down to it about  thirty-six hours to write the story so my original idea had to go out the window due to a lack of time to do the research involved to write it. I had originally wanted to write about a furry kleptomaniac but I just could not pull it together in time so I opted for a silly joke and a fourth step on my experience in special education. Now for what irked me after I wrote it.

 

I have had the same sponsor for the most part since 1997 or so and he asked me when I am going to drop the attitude. I am not going to lie I do have a bit of an attitude but I never treat my friends poorly and I verified that with them. I asked them flat out am I condescending and all of them including family said no  so he was dead wrong on that count. I know I am with people that I do not really like or give two shits about but never with the people in my life that matter. I was a bit scared that he may have been right but alas he was wrong as can be.

 

I have a lot of character defects like everyone but one is not treating my friends like idiots because I hate it when I am treated that way. I have a rather high IQ that I just found out a month ago is above genius but really that does not amount to a hill of beans in the real world. What I can do is be cleaver and really analyze things well so that is what my friends ask me to do most often. I so not claim to be an expert in much but when my knowledge is vast on a subject I am not afraid to state this; but then again I am very well read so I am not slouch when it comes to learning and or understanding things that I find interesting or perplexing. Maybe this is an asset or maybe it is a liability either way it is how I am and everyone in my life knows this about me.

 

I think one of the true ideals of any friendship is to take the good with the bad and try to make sense of it all in a way that promotes unity and long lasting relationships. As an example I am not able to build a computer but I have a friend that can so I will always look to him for that understanding whereas I am really good with most OS’s so he looks at me for that. Life just is what it is most of the time and we have to play off our own strengths and look to others to help with out weaknesses not only in skills but also in character traits. I guess what I am saying here is we all are what we are so accept at face value or don’t accept at all. The thief was starting to irritate me on a very regular basis so even though I lost a lot of my things I am grateful that this person is gone and I didn’t have to actually say your cut off; thank God for small favors….

Switchblade Annie

I have been thinking about Annie a lot lately wondering how she is doing in the aftermath of how I am doing. I really still to this day do not understand why she attempted suicide but then again I did not ask her why figuring if she wanted me to know she would have told me. I think she knew I did not belong there as did everyone that was working there because I was after I was allowed to shoot some insulin anyway rather calm for the most part. I told her that oh now I am a human scream machine on the inside to quote Henry Rollins but there is no way is fucking hell I am going to let these people see this part of me. She asked me why if I am here to get help and I told her because I do not require help from these total strangers and I have never once been suicidal in my life. I wonder what Annie would think if I told her that the only person that came to visit me also committed arson and robbed me. I wonder is all.

The thing about Annie is I never really told her that I viewed her as a beautiful, smart nice and kind soul but I felt telling her that would have been deemed inappropriate for the venue that we met in. I did want to tell her though that she shouldn’t think about killing herself just because her brother succeeded she doesn’t have to and that I do believe I told her. I only had three days of contact with Annie and really only two where we talked while we played Gin together constantly all day long but she left an impression on me that I am sure to carry to my grave.

I have just wanted to know how Annie is since I left the psyche ward but I have no way of knowing and I do not think I will ever come in contact with her again. She was just this really unique person that I learned to like and sat totally perplexed as to why she would have hung herself in the first place. I think a lot of it stems form my own inability to ever want to off myself. I have been is many desperate and lonely places in my life yet I never once even considered killing myself as a definite way out of the situation I was in. I think this is because I always knew in my heart and soul that it was too final and there was no recourse for it.

I had and still have a hard time imagining her hanging from whatever it is she used to hang herself helpless and still producing a coma for the two weeks that followed. Annie was so tender, young and radiant yet she wanted to see the eternal black for reasons that I cannot fathom. I am sitting here having lost everything that matters to me and not once in this time have I even thought my life was over; just slightly destroyed is all. I guess I have grown so used to picking up the pieces that I just pick them up and start over again. I would like to tell Annie how I have managed to deal with this cluster fuck my life became from that short stay in the psyche ward but alas there is no way to tell her. Maybe someday she will just come across this blog and smile knowing this is about her with the name changed. I think Annie will fill my mind for a good long time to come so expect to hear about her often as I explore how deeply and profoundly my life changed because one person couldn’t take a fucking joke…