I have been thinking about Annie a lot lately wondering how she is doing in the aftermath of how I am doing. I really still to this day do not understand why she attempted suicide but then again I did not ask her why figuring if she wanted me to know she would have told me. I think she knew I did not belong there as did everyone that was working there because I was after I was allowed to shoot some insulin anyway rather calm for the most part. I told her that oh now I am a human scream machine on the inside to quote Henry Rollins but there is no way is fucking hell I am going to let these people see this part of me. She asked me why if I am here to get help and I told her because I do not require help from these total strangers and I have never once been suicidal in my life. I wonder what Annie would think if I told her that the only person that came to visit me also committed arson and robbed me. I wonder is all.
The thing about Annie is I never really told her that I viewed her as a beautiful, smart nice and kind soul but I felt telling her that would have been deemed inappropriate for the venue that we met in. I did want to tell her though that she shouldn’t think about killing herself just because her brother succeeded she doesn’t have to and that I do believe I told her. I only had three days of contact with Annie and really only two where we talked while we played Gin together constantly all day long but she left an impression on me that I am sure to carry to my grave.
I have just wanted to know how Annie is since I left the psyche ward but I have no way of knowing and I do not think I will ever come in contact with her again. She was just this really unique person that I learned to like and sat totally perplexed as to why she would have hung herself in the first place. I think a lot of it stems form my own inability to ever want to off myself. I have been is many desperate and lonely places in my life yet I never once even considered killing myself as a definite way out of the situation I was in. I think this is because I always knew in my heart and soul that it was too final and there was no recourse for it.
I had and still have a hard time imagining her hanging from whatever it is she used to hang herself helpless and still producing a coma for the two weeks that followed. Annie was so tender, young and radiant yet she wanted to see the eternal black for reasons that I cannot fathom. I am sitting here having lost everything that matters to me and not once in this time have I even thought my life was over; just slightly destroyed is all. I guess I have grown so used to picking up the pieces that I just pick them up and start over again. I would like to tell Annie how I have managed to deal with this cluster fuck my life became from that short stay in the psyche ward but alas there is no way to tell her. Maybe someday she will just come across this blog and smile knowing this is about her with the name changed. I think Annie will fill my mind for a good long time to come so expect to hear about her often as I explore how deeply and profoundly my life changed because one person couldn’t take a fucking joke…