Perplexed

 We all have character flaws that we must all overcome in order to survive in this world and not be alone but I feel that some of mine are just too hard to ignore. There is this woman that lives here in my complex that I really like that talks to me on text but I know that due to my inability to not be blunt I have no chance with. I have dated before and that one flaw is why all my relationships have come to a crashing end and I know this.

 

 I have tried the cyber-dating and I even stated in my profile that I am a very blunt person yet when I was blunt I was looked at like I was some sort of an asshole or something. This is something that always perplexed me about people: I tell them what to expect with me and when I am that way they are in total shock that I am acting the way I am. I hate surprises so I try my best not to have any with someone else yet even after I warn people about some of my defects they seemed totally dismayed when they see it.

 

I have been the way I am for a great many years now and I know that there is little to no hope of my changing anytime soon if at all. I am forty-years-old now and I am very set in my ways but I also know that any relationship means I need to compromise but does this always mean I have to compromise who I am in the process to not be alone? I spent my entire childhood being something I wasn’t so I didn’t have to be alone and now at this age I am who I am and that is that but it also means that I am alone.

 

In life there are always trade-offs but this is one that I am very unwilling to make so I guess my lot in life is to be alone with a few cats. The last long term relationship I had ended in total and utter disaster but the main problem was she never let me read always having to yammer on and on about bullshit all day long. Another irksome thing was we always had to do things together like draw or what have you; it was like I had no ability to just be my own person with her and that just won’t ever work for me. I need to be free and I gave her that same freedom that she never seemed to want; again I just don’t get it.

 

Maybe it is wholly possible that I am just incapable of having a relationship with someone because I am so set in my ways. I have spent the majority of my life totally alone so it is what I know and do best these days. I don’t really know anymore I am just friendless in Denver and that someday needs to change I just don’t know how to change it…..

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