Addicted To?

So my sponsor says I am addicted to intellect and I just can’t see how that makes me an addict. I have been in those NA meetings since 1996 and there are a lot of things that have been way beyond my own understanding in all that time. I am not saying that I did not ever use drugs or even have a bit of a monkey on my back but after I moved here I shook that money clear the fuck off my back and never really looked back. I am asking myself now how can I go back to a meeting knowing in my heart that I was never really a drug addict and I never had the inclination to be one? I have heard so many stories of desperation and read about it in the Basic Text and I never really understood any of that. Even when I was smoking coke all the time if it wasn’t there I stuck around with my friend anyway because it was OK that it wasn’t there. I was his friend not his customer from the first to the last day that I saw him. I think the problem is deep down inside I always knew I never belonged there and since I have been back in meetings I have become depressed again so I have in the last few weeks stopped going and I actually feel a little better. This is what is called a crossroads in ones life. If I do not go to meetings I am alone and if I go to meetings I feel like I am wasting my time so what in the mother fuck do I do? I have always had this sense that I just don’t belong anywhere let alone in NA of all places. I mean the grand relapse after over eight and a half years clean was a six pack of Corona Light 3.5 beer where I checked my sugars after ever beer. Wow what a fucking relapse that was; shit I was reading a book while I sipped them for fucks sake. So my choices are fake it so I am not alone or just face the facts and be alone; wow what a choice I have to make. I was talking to someone in the program a few days ago and he does not feel like he fits in society and I know that feeling all to well in my life. I am aware that my intelligence alienates people but as someone told me when I said that so does stupidity so either way I am just fucked. If I am truly an addict of intellect does that mean reading a book is using? Wanting to learn how to program C++ a relapse? How the fuck do I claim clean time? How many days it’s been since I read the Washington Post? This is absolutely absurd and now that I have to face this I guess I will just remain a junkie in constant relapse and find somewhere else to hang out with people…


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