Journal Entry 2.25.02 Charlotte NC.

No one wants to know the real me, no one wants to see inside this dark clown mask that I wear all the time, no one wants to feel the rape I perform every fucking day I am alive. No one wants to see my guts torn out by myself for the enjoyment of myself, no one wants to see the inner self of anyone including them selves. I could go on for hours and hours days, months rant after rant and get absolutly nowhere. The bottom line here in that I am a complete fuck up in a more fucked up world that no one wants to look at, just shun and avoid like the virus I am. I have no problem with this, none at all, what is is, so deal with it mother fuckers. I am not here to make anyone happy, I am here to show the realest part of life that everyone else chooses to deny, the pain of existence. I am depression, I have been depression my whole life, I will always be depression. That is the sad fact of life for me, take your prozac and stuff it up your ass, I would rather eat lead or slice with a gleaming blade of truth than take some chemical in order to not feel the way I am naturally supposed to feel. There is no honor in chemical enhancments, there are no respects for the Prozac generation, there is nothing but dependance on a lie to trick my head into a line of bullshit on a daily basis. Yeah thank God for open source code eh? Yeah, me too pal. I always wondered what all that bullshit is about. We need to find more and more chemicals to fix all the human falasy’s we have, fuck that shit. I belive in better living through reality, not chemicals. The real world is not fun, or exciting, it just is what it is. I am not a fan of anything just of what is right in front of me. I guess that is all there is to all of this shit though eh? Yeah, what the fuck ever right? Who am I to complain? Who am I to disagree? Who am I to do anything at all? Yeah sure fuck you too asshole.

I have gone to great lenghts to increse my ability to feel pain, I have never felt so lost in all my life and this stupor has lasted 30 years. I go to war everyday with myself, I look in the mirror and feel nothing but pure loathing, pure rage pure hate. I dispise myself and everything that makes me what I am. I am not a happy camper, I am a miserable piece of shit that feels like there is never going to be a conection with another human being on any deep level. No women, no man, no anyone, just me and my rage to fester and pepulate into some other fucking piece of trash. I smoke so I can die faster, I drink coffee hoping for that anurism, I look for ways to dispatch myself daily that are not considered sucide, end it all in that abyss of depression and hatred. Who cares? I sure don’t anymore….

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